You find your significant other and you decide to get married. Think again, not the significant other part, the wedding part. I mean, seriously, it’s easier said than done.

First of all, you have to know, for most of the parents, it’s not the couple’s day, it’s THEIR day. If you wanted to, you could leave them decide for everything, and they wouldn’t ask you for a single thing. They know better, always, don’t they? They got married before you after all, and they have been to many weddings. They have the know-how, and why, and when, and who.

Above everything in your wedding, is your parent’s debts to other people. I mean, you know, whose wedding they’ve been to, their customers, their friends, their colleagues, their providers, their bosses or employees, well, all those people around them. Then there are the couple’s debts, their colleagues, customers, providers, bosses, employees, bosses, friends, neighbors etc. And all those people HAVE to be there.

Then there are the details. First question is when. Not in the middle of the summer, your parents don’t like it too hot, but not in the winter too, they wouldn’t want the rain or snow to ruin their hair or shoes.

Then the where, according to one custom at the bride’s home city, which could be different than where she lives now, but this doesn’t matter actually, if her parents still do. Or according to other customs, to the groom’s home city, but that’s for the parents to decide, back off pup, this is none of your business.

Then the how, at a church, at the city hall, in a garden, next to a swimming pull, or both, the parents will choose what they KNOW is better for everyone. The usual is at a church, their precious princess in a white wedding dress, so what if she is like a whale in puberty? She still is their princess.

The reception, should be open for everyone to come. Even for the guy who has the kiosk that sells hot-dogs outside their work. And at the place it suits the parents. With the decoration they prefer. Nothing more nothing less.

Because the parents are so determined, the whole wedding industry revolves around their demands. If you go with your mother or mother in law-to be for a wedding dress, for example, you’ll notice the saleswoman is not even looking at you, even though you’re the bride, she always speaks with your mother. The florist too, like everyone else who has to do with your wedding.

And they all charge you with astronomical amounts of money for shitty products. Like flowers, a flower bouquet which you would buy normally for let’s say 40 euro, if it happens to be for a bride, costs 400, same flowers, the only difference is the lacing.

Also another word you’ll hear many times if you’re about to get married is the word swarovski. Any type of glass, plastic or crystal artifact, used for anything at all in a wedding is called swarovski. From the cake, hair, gown, shoes, gloves, bouquet, decoration, food, they literally drop little shiny thingies everywhere they can to triple their already crazy prices. Triple is not enough, just add two or three zeros behind the amount.

About wedding dresses. While searching for the perfect dress, I ran across some very disturbing facts. They buy dresses from China, which cost from 80 to 300 dollars and RENT them for 1.500 to 2.000 euro. And they buy them in XL size to be able to cut them and fit them to any type of body. And imagine a dress from XL cut to fit someone who wears XS. You can barely recognize it. It already was terrible quality and now it is terrible quality, horrific design and totally shapeless. All this for just 1.800 euro for one day.

Do not despair, there are the couturiers too. They do actually make the dress with and for you, which is far better, and with really good fabrics most of the times too. But they charge you “whatever they see they can get from you”, as the saleswoman boldly told me. Which means, if you look extremely wealthy, they will charge you double the price that they would charge a normal looking person. Simply because they know they can. Same for groom’s suit.

If you are a man, the hardest thing to find is a decent shirt. There is no such thing as a waisted shirt with cuffed links. They are all straight, I suppose every man who gets married should either not care about what he will wear that day, or too old and pot-bellied so we doesn’t need a waisted shirt anyway. Okay.

So, the wedding day has come. You are expected to have lots of people in your house, parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, hair-dresser, make-up artist, uncles, aunts, cousins, neighbors, friends, passer-bys, well everyone. And music, loud, preferably traditional, as well as food, for everyone who wants to eat. Food is essential for the aunties who came from another city, village, or country. You know the auntie you haven’t seen in 20 years, but she loves you? Yes that one.

In this mass you may lose your tie or you mind, the coiffeur and the make-up artist won’t be able to do their job, because there is always someone passing behind them and nudging them, but that doesn’t really matter, all these people love you and want to share your happy day. Even auntie Clara, who walks around and eats like there’s no tomorrow. She got tired from the journey, you understand.

The result of this is that most of the brides and some of the grooms, don’t even recall that day, all the remember is a fuss, a buzzing sound and people going nuts about their shoes and that they are going to be late.

The wedding ceremony is just endless. The fucking photographer is annoying the couple, telling them to look at him, open their eyes and be concentrated. He is doing his job, come on, this is NOT the time to enjoy each other and the moment, get serious.

And when all this is over, it’s time for the reception. Until you go there, the photographer has one more chance to make your life miserable, so he takes you to “nice” places to get some cool pics. One of the nice places he took us was a garden with some flowers and plants. The soil was moist, so my red satin high heel shoes sinked in and were destroyed permanently, but he was so happy, I wouldn’t want to ruin his day…

Then we told him to just photograph anything he wanted at the reception, but not harass us anymore. Obviously he felt offended, so he took 5 lousy shots, got drank, harassed two of my girlfriends who were there, despite the fact that he is married with two children, and left. Needless to say he is twice their age.

After this he asked about 1.000 euro for a photo album, even though we talked about this before the wedding and he told us the price would be 500. Also, before the wedding we told him we didn’t want conventional wedding photos, we want them different, more spontaneous and less fixed. He only took 3 or 4 of those and the rest was junk. Like all the wedding photos.

Concerning the dj. His first mistake was that he brought a banner with the name of his company, without letting us know about this first. Why did we have to pay him, if he advertised his company at our wedding? But this was his small mistake. The bigger was that although we had already given him a cd with all the songs we wanted, he played his own choices. He told us before the wedding that parents and guests expect and want to hear specific songs, but we made it clear that we didn’t care. He chose to do what he wanted anyway. When he crossed the line, my husband actually went to him and made the playlist himself. It should be a coincidence that people were dancing to our songs and while he was doing his thing most of the people just sat down. Because HE knew. Our mistake was that we payed him in advance.

So, if you want this to be a special day, arrange everything first, and then announce it to your parents. Well, just invite them. It will be easier for you and for them as well. Decide what you really want, and if your budget is not that big, you ought to know that the honeymoon is something you should invest to. Auntie Clara doesn’t give a fuck about you and you will probably never see her again, so no need to worry about her. Also don’t let aunties be more than your friends at the reception, this will ruin your party. Just think of what the two of you want and it will be one of the best days of your life.

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